Puppies and baby

Last week was spring break for my kids-so just imagine a week-in winter-with all five kids home and many friends and family gone on trips to warmer places and white sands.   We knew it was close to time for our beautiful viszla dog to have her puppies and about a month from my sister-in-laws due date for her forth "surprise" baby!  A had drivers lessons planned for the first part of the week with his cousin so he headed off there for a few days.   Sunday we had dinner and game night with my brother and very pregnant sister in law.  My sister in law  joked about taking a profile picture of her and the dog for memory sake!!   The weather kept getting better and better-wonderful walking and outdoor weather.  Tues my brother called with the announcement that my sister in law was in labour-so I headed up to the hospital to see the tiny little 5lb 1 oz peanut.  T had been staying with them so he and grandma came up with my nephews.  We all felt so privileged to be the first visitors for this special arrival.  She is the 22nd grand baby on our side-very unexpected and 4 yrs since the last baby-but so very wanted!!!

Friday while I was at a doctors with my foster baby I got the call from home that we had been waiting for-Susie was finally in labour.  I frantically made phone calls to family that had asked if they could be present and rushed myself back to a house full of people anxious to see the first little babies come out.  Susie is such a good lovable dog.  G is the closest to her so she normally stays in G's room.  It therefore only made sense to have her give birth there.  So we packed 15 people into G's room to watch this miracle.  It is amazing to watch nature take over and mommy dog have these babies, clean them up and watch them take their first breaths and creep with closed eyes to nurse. What  a beautiful  experience.  That is why we did it-we wanted to let her have one litter so that the kids could see the whole birth and nursing process.  She ended up with 8 puppies-wow-and she is such a good mom-takes such good care of them.  So the winter week we were kind of dreading and trying to think of activities to keep everyone busy turned out to be a more beautiful and eventful week than we could ever have imagined!!

Primitive bunny

Heres the instructions for a very basic primitive bunny

First I designed my pattern-I did some rough sketches on paper first then I drew it the size I wanted on wax paper.  For a simple bunny like the one above you just need one drawing and you are going to cut 2 pieces (the other patterns are for more projects I will post later)

Place the pattern on your fabric-I used a cotton muslin-and cut 2 pieces. Use a safety pin to pin your pieces together before you stain them if you are doing more than one project at a time-this way you don't have to worry about matching the pieces up again after.

This is my jar of staining liquid.  It contains tea bags, cloves, cinnamon, instant coffee in water.  I keep the jar so that I can use it again and again for each project.  Each time I use it I pour it in my pot and add a little more of each of the ingredients-this saves a little money and if I only have a small project then I can just use this.  

Place the  fabric pieces in a pot with the staining liquid. Bring it to a good boil and then let it simmer for about 15 min.

Use tongs to pull the fabric out and put it in a glass bowl.  I usually hang the pieces to dry-these were a little damp so I laid them on a cookie sheet and the finished drying in less than 5 min.  and the oven gives it a little more browning.  

Here are the pieces for my various projects with the safety pins on after staining and drying.

Sew both pieces together leaving an opening at the bottom.  Turn it right side out and stuff it.  Hand sew the opening closed-I did a very rough primitive stitch.  Sew 2 buttons on for eyes and a wide stitch for the nose.  Add a ribbon made of homespun fabric and a little tuft of the stuffing for a tail if you wish.  Remember to keep it basic and primitive for the most authentic look.  

Last but not least-B

After the twins our life was full and really busy.  By the time K was 5 we were past the diaper stage, all kids were in school everyday, we were busy but having fun.  But I still didn't feel like I was done.  I just felt like I wanted one more.  Hubby was finished.  He loved our family, was a great dad-but this was enough.  One day I went to the gyno-this was my old infertility doctor.  Just being in the office brought back all the old pain of infertility.  I still wanted another baby.  What about trying infertility again-I'm sure things had changed in the 10 yrs we hadn't done anything.  As you can imagine hubby thought I had lost it-fertility-ya right!!!   Not long after that  a cousin-who was very close and looked to my mom for mother support-called to say that her son-who is 30yrs but developmentally delayed-had gotten his girlfriend pregnant and CAS was looking at stepping in and taking the baby.  She was very afraid she would lose this grand baby and never see him/her again.  I helped her look at some private adoption situations, where it could be an open adoption and she would be able to see the baby growing up.  Unfortunately, the private adoption agencies didn't have any families willing to take a chance on a baby from 2 parents with delays.   As the due date approached I kept thinking how I would like this baby.  A,T, G, and K were begging for this baby once they heard about him.  Hubby was a definite no.  But I kept thinking how I really did want one more.  Also I kept thinking about how the birth dad of this baby was very special to my grandma, she was always very protective of him, she had raised my cousin.  I just felt like she would be so happy that we kept him with us.  My dad had also passed away just months before this, so it was almost like he had a hand in it.  I told  hubby I would understand if he just didn't want to.  Our life was so busy already-adding one more would mean stretching ourselves a little more for each child.  But even with all that said we decided to talk to CAS and see if it was possible.  Maybe we could look at a legal guardianship or something like that.  B was a scheduled induction.  My cousin was really upset-she knew CAS would be taking the baby.  So my mom and I went up to be with her (they lived about 3 hrs away from us)  I was able to be in the room to see B's birth and take pictures.  I also was the first one to give him a bottle.  That was so wonderful for me-I wish I could have seen my other kids' birth.  But then we left him.  When he left the hospital he would be going to a foster home.  At this point the CAS up there had requested our paperwork from our CAS (previous home studies, etc)  Our CAS told them that we were not a good candidate to take this baby-we had backed out of adopting twins at the last moment, all of our other kids had special needs and we didn't have the money to adopt again.  When I found this out I was livid.  How dare they.  This was nothing more than sour grapes over us requesting the twins-over all the problems with L and us wanting her here and the other foster home wanting to keep her.  I spoke to the CAS up there and told them that we never backed out of adopting twins-we did adopt K and we spent years fighting them to get L to come live in our house-we had told them all along we couldn't adopt her because of all her needs.  I also said that if my other kids have special needs then someone forgot to tell me.  And that finances would be tight but that I felt they needed to do a home study to decide if we could manage financially.  Well thank goodness the CAS up there listened to us and sent for our paperwork to see for themselves.  It took 3 months to get our CAS down here to send the paperwork to the CAS up there.  When they finally got it there was nothing in our file to support what they had verbally been told.  CAS up there had us up for a meeting within 3 days of receiving our paperwork.  They didn't want us to look at legal guardianship because it wasn't permanent and he could be taken away from us at any time down the road.  So we decided to make it a full legal adoption.  CAS up there requested that CAS down here do a home study-they said they were very busy and it would be months before they could do it.  So CAS hired a private social worker down here to do the home study.  This was our first time dealing with a private social worker.  It was wonderful.  Such a different experience than with our local CAS.  WE always felt before like our CAS was almost waiting for us to make a mistake, the whole home study process was very secretive-we never got to see what they thought about us on paper.  With the private worker everything was out in the open.  We  got copies of the reports and felt like she was there to support us and help us.  Once our home study was complete and it was decided that there was no problem with us taking this baby(finances would be tight but we were very thrifty and resourceful)  The CAS up there decided to proceed with placing B with us and asked the CAS down here to follow us for the probation period.  CAS down here refused.  They said they weren't in favour of us having a 5th child so they wouldn't follow.  So CAS up there paid the private worker down here to follow us.  I would highly recommend looking at a private social worker if possible when you are adopting.  She was so supportive,  We received copies of all reports and  knew exactly what she thought of us-the good the bad and the ugly.  With our other adoptions with CAS we were always left with a feeling of did we say or do something wrong-did they see something they didn't like?   So B was ours now.  He grew, he grew and he grew and he grew.  At 5 yrs old he is now bigger than K.  He is feisty and busy. He loves cars and cops.  His Kindergarten teacher says he is a pleasure to have in her class.  He listens well, follows directions, and gets along well with everyone.  It was such a tough decision whether we should add this one more child to our family.  I believe with every part of my being that it was the right decision.  He adds so much fun and tenderness.  T has turned him into a "mini me"  He has learnt to stir the pot much like his big brother.  His birth dad is 6'7" so we expect he is going to be a big guy-a big guy with a big heart!!

Twins K and L

As foster parents you are always ready for a phone call with the latest little peanut who needs some lovin'.  I will never forget the day I got the call for K.  I was told it was a baby girl-5 months old with failure to thrive.  She had a twin sister who was in the hospital  and they had just taken her off life support. How devastating!  So this little peanut came-she was so tiny and so fragile. She wasn't gaining weight.  She was being followed by the NICU.  We took her in and it took all of us to take care of this little one.  She wouldn't eat-we had to sing songs and bounce her to get a few ounces into her.  I had to keep notes on everything that went in and everything that came out.  In the meantime L survived-she was going to be discharged soon and CAS made a decision to place her in another home-feeling that K already had enough needs it would be too much for us to have both girls.  L had brain damage from the neglect she had been through and would need extra help and therapy.  I hated this decision-I always felt that twins should be together-but they said they would look at moving them together once they were both stable. K remained tiny and needed a lot of attention.  I tried to see L as much as possible-visiting with the other foster home or taking L on relief when the other foster home went away.  When L was about 10 months old they decided to put a feeding tube in since she was taking so long to eat-her suck and swallow reflex wasn't very good.  When they put the feeding tube in she vomited and aspirated and they weren't sure if she would survive.  We spent the weekend in the hospital by her side.  I held her all through one night.  The doctor said they were putting her on morphine and that this would slow her respiration's and it was unlikely that she would survive.  But she did.  That little girl had a reason to be here-a reason to keep living.  Unfortunately this latest emergency caused a little more brain damage.  She also was very medically fragile.  She needed to be suctioned on a regular basis.  I would have her here with me for weekends or sometimes weeks at a time when the other foster home would go on holidays or just needed a break. I remember sleeping on the floor next to her crib some nights so that I could jump up and suction her if she needed it. We loved having her.  K always seemed to do better too, when she was here.  K continued to develop, but slowly.  She was always tiny for her age-like the 3rd percentile.  Just before the girls turned 2yrs,  CAS got  Crown Ward so they were looking for an adoptive home for K but it was so unlikely to find someone to take L that they weren't even looking.  I couldn't stand that-I had been keeping K and L together as much as I could for the last 2 years and now K would move on to a permanent family and would see L a few times a year,  possibly.  I just felt that the twin bond is so important-I researched twin relationships  and everything I could find backed up that they should be together.  Also by this time I had invested so so much emotionally into K that I couldn't imagine letting her go.  So Hubby and I talked and talked and talked and decided to put in a request to adopt K and permanently foster L.   L's needs were so high we would be committing financial suicide if we adopted her  and then were totally responsible for her.  CAS talked about giving us an adoption subsidy but the bottom line is once you legally adopt you are responsible for all finances just the same as you are if you give birth to them.  So we followed through with adopting K and prepared to take L as a foster child.  We moved to a bigger house that could be made wheelchair accessible.  We bought a van that could be adapted. We did everything that was asked of us and told we would need IF we were to take her.   In the meantime the foster home that L was living in by this time had grown attached to her and said they wanted to keep her-for now.  They were older than Hubby and I and openly said that they would keep her until she was around 10yrs-we could have her then.  This seemed ludicrous to me-but what was worse was CAS agreed to it.  We had some ups and downs with the other foster home-they treated us horribly at times because they were upset that we tried to "take their little girl"  I was so upset that these twins wouldn't be together and that the other home was keeping L without any kind of a long term commitment.  We continued to do relief once in a while.  I had concerns with L's lack of stimulation, don't get me wrong her basic needs were being met.  She wasn't being abused in anyway.  But on more than one occasion I was told if we had her that she was"easy"  You just have to"hook her up to her food"  I know she was left in a back bedroom most of the time-I worried about her lack of stimulation.  If you needed to go out you could just "give her her meds early and put her to bed" then the babysitter wouldn't have to worry about her.  These things always made me sad-but I knew if I reported it to CAS it would just look like sour grapes.  And most important to us was to keep things open with the other foster home so that we could keep seeing her-K could keep seeing her.  So over the years the girls have seen each other a lot, I often bought matching clothes for them and had their pictures taken together.  We tried to take L with us where ever we could.  We took her to hockey games, baseball games, museums, the beach.  I always liked to treat L like she understood everything going on-I really believed she understood everything and just wasn't able to communicate.  Usually if more than a month went by that we didn't have L, K would start asking for her and missing her.  Over the years K has shown signs of a developmental  delay-it's not real bad but something we need to keep dealing with.  K was falling behind every year in school.  She needed individual help but her delay was mild enough that  she didn't qualify for an aide.  We decided last year to make a drastic move and take her out of public school and homeschool her.  Hubby and I were really  nervous about this-this is our daughters education-we had to make sure we took this seriously.  And that we did.  In the 1 1/2 yrs she has been home she has made some great gains.  In the school system she was losing ground every year.  Now we are slowly seeing her progress.  It is great to see when we teach her something and go back over it a few weeks later that she still has it.  For "confidentiality" reasons I often wasn't able to get information about L  but I would get bits and pieces. I found out that CAS continued to look for an adoptive home for L.  No one ever talked to us about it-about what K's needs might be if L got an out of town adoptive home.  I also found out that when the girls turned 10yrs that the other foster home started looking at putting her into a group home.  We asked many times to have a meeting to find out what our roll would be in the group home,  would we have permission to pick her up and bring her home with us at times, how it worked, etc.  But the workers never would meet with us.  Every birthday K had a party and L was always here with us, but it was all K's friends.   For their 10th birthday I wanted L to have her own party, her own friends.  I got permission and I invited her class to our house for a pool party.  Only one friend came for L but how wonderful-L seemed so excited-I'm sure she understood.  I'm so glad I did that-it is a wonderful memory.  A few months later we had L here again for a 4 day weekend.  We had the best time.  She was the most alert I have every seen her.  T had a really close relationship with her.  The day she came the other foster mom said she screamed with delight when she heard she was coming here.  T carried her in the house and he teased her and she just kept screaming.  He would always tease her.  He teased her about being 10 and wearing diapers.  He teased her that she couldn't talk.  One day I was listening to T tease her and I was laughing and my nephew said "Why do you let him do that?"  I told him that T teases everyone.  He teases K do why not L  it makes her feel included.  It was something special they shared. He teased and with her limited motor control, she swung at him.   When she left after that weekend it was to go to the group home over night.  Hubby, myself, A,T,G and my nephew went to drop her off.  I was going to be OK with the group home I think. I know she would get a lot of stimulation.  I hated that at 10 yrs old she wouldn't have a mom to tuck her into bed and kiss her goodnight.  But I was going to be OK with it.  She looked sullen when we left her-Looking back I do think she enjoyed being with us and just didn't want to leave.  I woke up the next morning to a phone call from the other foster mom that she was going by ambulance to the hospital-but it didn't look good.  By the time I arrived at the hospital she was gone.  Our little angel who had been so alive just the night before.  She was gone.  It appears she vomited and aspirated it.  Its been less than 6 months and I still can't believe she is gone.  K is doing OK.  She didn't want to talk about it at first, but bit by bit questions have come out.  We are working through it.  The kids all have had a rough time-she was their sister-our daughter.    K is growing every day.  She's maturing, both with her education and her socialising.  She dances with the church and goes to youth group.  We try to get her involved in social activities when we can.  She has such a sweet personality, a romantic.   She loves movies and you tube.  I can't wait to see as she grows what a swan she develops into.

One on One time

Having five kids plus usually a foster baby I worry about making sure that I emotionally meet the needs of my kids.  I know I can make sure they have a relatively clean house, clean clothes to wear, good food in their bellies.  But what about meeting their emotional needs.  They are part of a big family.  Most things are done in groups-the little kids, the big kids, the girls, the boys.  One on one time is always at a premium, yet it is so important.  Those one on one times are when we get to have a conversation all about that child.  It's when they can be selfish-and it is all about them.  I really treasure those moments.  it's the times when I get to find out who likes who in their class, what new music they like, what their hopes and dreams are.  Like any mom, I want them to need me.  I want them to ask me for my opinion or advice.  There are many ways I find to get one on one with my kids.  Sometimes it's a simple trip to the grocery store.  Other times, like today Hubby and I took G to the high school for a meeting and decided to take her for lunch.  It gave us the chance to ask her about her impressions of the school, her fears of moving on to a new school and her goals.  I love that feeling of intimacy, just her and us.  It is so nice to see her smile, to hear her giggle.  I always hope I can find more of these moments-I want my children to grow up knowing they are special, they are an individual and they will always be "mine."

G

                  This is G  at 2 1/2yrs old

Along came G

Oh G.  If you can imagine a 2 1/2 month old baby that is ready to compete!  She was a born competitor.  She loves to hear about the day she came into our house.  Daddy took one look at her and said "She is beautiful-I'm never going to let her leave."  And beautiful she was.  And what a fireball!  She had 2 brothers to keep up with right off the bat and there was no leaving her behind. She walked at 8 months old, she toilet trained herself before she was 2, she picked out her own clothes, did her own hair.  She was very, very independent and knew what she wanted.  She did come as a foster child initially-so as much as we fell in love with her it was our job to care for her while CAS worked with her biological family to see if re-unification was a possibility.  But how could we help but love her.  She was such a high energy kid.  She loves all living creatures-especially dogs!  For her first few years we loved G like our own but had to stay guarded at the same time-she was our foster child and at anytime could be taken from us.  I will never forget the day the social workers called to say that they had got Crown Ward on her-I was crying so much I had to get off the phone.  This is it-now she can be ours.  We can love without restriction.  I would love to say there is no difference between your feelings for a foster child versus your own child-but I'd be lying-there is a difference.   I always have my guard up.  It might not be fair-to us or to the child-but it is the truth.  It's protection.  Many, many people have said that they could never be a foster parent because they could never let them go.  But you have no choice.  You have to find a way to love and loose.  And it does hurt.  I have always said that if    I am to be a good foster mom I have to love them like my own-no matter how much it hurts to let them go.  But now G was ours.  I could love without restriction.  I almost felt I had to start a new bonding with her-a mother daughter bond.  A friendship,  a forever love.  She was about 2 1/2 when we bought a home out in the county and it had a big crab apple tree in the back yard.  She figured out how to climb it within a day.  Her method for climbing out of her crib was to shimmy up the rails and then jump from the top rail free style into the middle of the room.  G hated clothes-well most clothes anyway.  She hated tags, seams, embroidery, anything that made her feel confined.  When she went to kindergarten the teacher spoke to me quite concerned one day about G not having socks on-I told her she hated socks-it wasn't a battle that I felt was worth it-but they were always in her backpack if she felt it was necessary.  At a very early age she knew what she liked and what she didn't-and she would tell you.  Anything physical that she has tried she has done well at.  She began playing hockey at the age of 9 and is a natural-and loves it!  Hubby and I took G to the high school today to register her for grade 9.  I can't believe our baby girl  is now 14yrs old and is heading to high school.  She has struggled with a learning disability throughout grade school but she is determined not to look "different" so she pushes herself to keep up.  She is a fantastic hockey player, runner, tennis player.  She has an eye for style, and has lots of friends.  Our daughter, our little girl who is so quickly turning into a beautiful young woman.

T

                             T's First Birthday!

The long wait for T

Our second wonderful gift was T.   We had moved back to Southern Ontario-where we both were from-when A was 2yrs.  His adoption was finalised by the local CAS.  When we finalised, we asked to get back on the waiting list for another adoption-and we told them we would be willing to Foster with the intent to adopt.  Our worker told us they really didn't like to do that because it is really hard when a family becomes attached to a child and then they have to take the child away for legal reasons.  You see foster care is temporary.  When children  come into foster care the first obligation is to see if there is a way to re-unite the biological family.  Depending on the situation, the parents are given requirements that must be met-such as parenting classes, drug testing, anger management, etc-so if a parent is co-operative and works with the CAS the child may be sent home.  This worker also stated that because final decisions are made in the court system, by placing a child in a home with the intent to adopt they are guessing what a judge may decide and judges don't like that.  But she did say that since we have already been foster parents in Northern Ontario they would consider us if an appropriate placement came along.  A year went by and we still hadn't gotten a call.  A was now 3yrs old and I was really feeling like we needed more children in the house.  We had told the adoption worker that we would like to continue fostering while we waited for another adoption, but she kind of just avoided answering that.  So one day, Hubby was in the back yard with A, I decided to take matters into my own hands and I called the foster care department directly.  When I called  I was put through to a worker and I told him that we had been foster parents before and that we were on the adoption waiting list, possibly for fostering with the intent to adopt, but that we really liked being foster parents and would like to foster while we waited.  The worker went quiet-then said-"I have heard about you-we had a meeting this morning about you-we have a baby we are looking at placing with you-he's about 2 weeks old"  I was stunned-what do you mean?  A baby for us? A meeting this morning?  I hadn't had contact with anyone there in almost a year.  What are the chances that that day they had been talking about a placement for us.  I really believe the Lord guided me to make that phone call that day!  I hung up the phone-by this time I was in tears.  I walked into the back yard to where Hubby and A were playing-by this time crying so hard I could barely speak.  Hubby panicked thinking something was wrong until I finally got the words out that I had just spoken to CAS and they have a baby for us.  Poor Hubby-he didn't know I had made this call and spent the next few minutes trying to put all the pieces together of what I was telling him.  A newborn baby.  A little brother for A.  But then we had to wait-there were legalities.  The adoption worker didn't want to place him with us until it was closer to a sure thing.  Just wait.  We set up a bassinet, we bought newborn clothes for him.  And we waited.  CAS decided to get our homestudy done so we would be ready.  The plan was to approve us as both a foster home and an adoptive home.  They rushed it through-but we still waited. I asked if we could foster while we waited.  They agreed, so we took some short term placements.  It helped the time go by a little faster.  I got a call one day from the adoption worker,  OK this is it-we are going to move him to you in 2 days-call the foster home he is currently in and find out his routines, what he eats, etc.  Within about 15 minutes the worker called back and said that something had changed and it would be another 2-3 months before they would be back to court. I crumbled.  I cried and cried.  Was it ever going to happen?  Another month went by and now Trevor was about 2 months old I got a call from the foster care worker.  It was the foster parent conference this weekend and they were short on homes.  Would we be willing to take Trevor for the weekend but we had to understand that we would ONLY get him for the weekend-we had understand that we had to give him back to the other foster home after the weekend.  Well of course we would take him-but what torture.  We held him all weekend-we didn't want to put him down.  The other foster home said they would be back Sunday but if they were late they may wait till Monday to get him.  We asked if they would please wait until Monday.  On Sunday we decided we wouldn't answer the phone.  One extra night we could keep him.  The phone rang and Hubby forgot and answered it. He was white-so upset.  They would be there in 1/2 hour to get him-they missed him and wanted him back.   Hubby kept apologising-he was so upset.  I was so hurt.  This was our baby-we wanted him-it was so hard to let him go-I just held him and cried.  But we had no choice.  So with tears we packed him up and let him go.  Another month went by.  All the newborn clothes we had bought we took back to the store.  He was now 3 1/2 months old.  We held onto our pictures of him, we dreamt about him but we were starting to give up hope.  Finally on a Wednesday afternoon I got a phone call from the adoption worker-they had Crown Ward on him and he was ready for adoption-they were going to place him with us on Fri.  I was very cautiously excited.  I wanted to prepare-but we had been let down so many times.  I bought 2 new outfits-we didn't tell anyone.  On Friday morning the social worker called and said she wanted to stop by and pick up my car seat to transport him in.  As she left with the car seat we knew it was true.  He was coming-forever.  We called family and invited them for dinner-we didn't tell them why-we surprised them with our new baby.  I still remember sitting with him in my arms that day-squeezing him.  He's here - he's finally here.  It had been such a roller coaster.  So much heartache-but so worth it. When we brought him in the door A pulled up his little rocking chair, held out his arms and said "Give me my baby."  In contrast to A, T was the perfect baby.  He slept well, he ate well, he was referred to as "Happy Baby."  T seemed to be born with a sense of humour-he has always loved a good joke.  He is a born entertainer-he is quick with the one liners.  he is very antagonistic to his sibling(we like to call it  "stirring the pot").  He is now almost 15.  He  went with a beautiful girl tonight to his semi-formal.  He can play almost any musical instrument, draws beautiful pictures, is great at many sports,  has many friends and is well on his way to being a great, well rounded man.  It took such an emotional toll on all of us waiting for this baby to finally come to us, but I can't even begin to imagine our life without him!

A

   This is A at 4 months old!  He is where the dream of our family started!

Why Aunt Winnie?  Well My name is Lynn.  I believe my husbands sister first started Winnie(everyone in their family gets a nickname)  From there when the nieces and nephews came I became Aunt Winnie-to some!  I think a nickname is a badge of honour-a name created by people who love you!

A-our first!

I love to talk!  I love to share my experiences with people.  I really enjoy reading other peoples blogs about life-family life-the good, the bad and the ugly.
Where do I begin.  Life has been an adventure.  Hubby and I married young and wanted to start a family about a year later-but we instead found ourselves in the whirlwind of infertility.  As a child all I ever wanted was to become a mom-have children.  I went to school for Early Childhood Education and surrounded myself with children.  We saw Dr's, had tests done, took fertility drugs but all to no avail-I guess pregnancy just wasn't meant to be for us.  But I needed children-I couldn't imagine life without children.  While working in a Day Care in Northern Ontario we had an adorable little boy in the toddler room who was living in foster care and was being transitioned to adoption.  Both Hubby and I fell in love with him-but of course there was already  a waiting list of people that were being considered for this little boy. It got us talking-what about adoption?  Were we good enough?  Were we ready to quit infertility treatment?  We really didn't know much about adoption but this got the ball rolling.  We met with a social worker who informed us that the adoption waiting lists are quite long-esp for infants-but fostering with the intent to adopt may speed things up a bit.  And so it began.  We decided to become foster parents with the hopes of creating a family.   A few months later we had a completed homestudy and we had our first foster child placed with us.  We also decided to keep going with infertility treatment.  Later that year Hubby got a new job in a different Northern Ontario city, so we moved and had to re-do our foster care homestudy.  We had some very difficult placements,  children with significant behaviour problems.  At this point through my work I had gained a great deal of experience working with children with special needs.  The behaviours of this child was more than I felt I could handle-don't get me wrong-my heart went out to him-what horrible things he must have experienced to be so violent at such a young age.  I couldn't do it.  I said to my worker you can bring me a baby that screams 24 hours a day and i can handle that.  So in comes A our oldest!  He arrived as a 3 month old that was living in another foster home-but the other foster home needed a break because he was such a difficult baby-he was supposed to stay 3 weeks.   I will never forget his social worker bringing him in the door.  He was such a tiny little thing in a big car seat and he was crying.  He never stopped crying.  He cried for most of his first year.  The first month was the toughest.  I couldn't do anything to console him.  I held him 24hrs a day.  I cooked and cleaned with him in a snuggly.  I sat in a rocking chair and didn't move so he could nap for 1/2hour.  I slept sitting up on the bed with him on top of me.  If someone called I bounced him and held his soother in his mouth to try to keep him quiet-I didn't want anyone to think I wasn't managing-after all isn't this what i was waiting for-a baby-the diapers, the bottles, the cribs and toys and blankets.  I could do this-I knew how-I just had to get him settled.  Greg did what he could-after all this was his dream too-and by the time the 3 weeks were up the plan for him had changed and he wasn't going to be returning to the other foster home-and the CAS was looking at making him a Crown Ward-which would mean we could possibly adopt him.  When Hubby came home from work each day-I was ready for a break and he wanted to play with this beautiful baby-but by the time a month had gone by I had found some tricks to settle A some of the time-but when Hubby would take him he would just scream.  Hubby would look at me so sad and say " I don't know what to do-I don't know your nursery songs"  I told him that you have to tough it out-I can come in there and save you but if I do you will never bond with him-you have to find your own way to settle him.  Then I would walk into another room and cry-knowing that I had to stay away and let him work through it.  And work through it he did.  He sang his own modern pop songs-like Monkey House-, he found the right way to hold him and bounce him.  They bonded as father and son.  Many people ask us, even now, if we have any children of our own-My answer is yes-5 of them.  Each and everyone of my children are my own-I missed them growing inside me.  I missed them fighting and pushing for life to come into this world.  But I have been there ever since.  They are apart of me as much as I know we are a part of them.  When we began the whole adoption process Hubby agreed to it, but said he wanted to keep trying to have a baby "of our own."  At one point as we stood in awe over As' crib Hubby looked with tears in his eyes and said-"thank you for pushing me to do this-he is "Our Own."  We've had a lot of ups and downs with A over the years, some mild behaviour problems, a learning disability, severe migraine headaches and a severe flat foot that required surgery. He played travel hockey and travel baseball-he has a real athletic gift.  He turns 18yrs this month, he is in his final year of high school.  He has been working for the local tennis club for the last 3 years and he has won the Southwestern Ontario Doubles tennis at school and goes onto all Ontario in the spring.  He makes me proud-I think about that little baby that was so badly hurting, that we gave our heart and soul to around the clock for those first years and, man, was it worth it.