Twins K and L

As foster parents you are always ready for a phone call with the latest little peanut who needs some lovin'.  I will never forget the day I got the call for K.  I was told it was a baby girl-5 months old with failure to thrive.  She had a twin sister who was in the hospital  and they had just taken her off life support. How devastating!  So this little peanut came-she was so tiny and so fragile. She wasn't gaining weight.  She was being followed by the NICU.  We took her in and it took all of us to take care of this little one.  She wouldn't eat-we had to sing songs and bounce her to get a few ounces into her.  I had to keep notes on everything that went in and everything that came out.  In the meantime L survived-she was going to be discharged soon and CAS made a decision to place her in another home-feeling that K already had enough needs it would be too much for us to have both girls.  L had brain damage from the neglect she had been through and would need extra help and therapy.  I hated this decision-I always felt that twins should be together-but they said they would look at moving them together once they were both stable. K remained tiny and needed a lot of attention.  I tried to see L as much as possible-visiting with the other foster home or taking L on relief when the other foster home went away.  When L was about 10 months old they decided to put a feeding tube in since she was taking so long to eat-her suck and swallow reflex wasn't very good.  When they put the feeding tube in she vomited and aspirated and they weren't sure if she would survive.  We spent the weekend in the hospital by her side.  I held her all through one night.  The doctor said they were putting her on morphine and that this would slow her respiration's and it was unlikely that she would survive.  But she did.  That little girl had a reason to be here-a reason to keep living.  Unfortunately this latest emergency caused a little more brain damage.  She also was very medically fragile.  She needed to be suctioned on a regular basis.  I would have her here with me for weekends or sometimes weeks at a time when the other foster home would go on holidays or just needed a break. I remember sleeping on the floor next to her crib some nights so that I could jump up and suction her if she needed it. We loved having her.  K always seemed to do better too, when she was here.  K continued to develop, but slowly.  She was always tiny for her age-like the 3rd percentile.  Just before the girls turned 2yrs,  CAS got  Crown Ward so they were looking for an adoptive home for K but it was so unlikely to find someone to take L that they weren't even looking.  I couldn't stand that-I had been keeping K and L together as much as I could for the last 2 years and now K would move on to a permanent family and would see L a few times a year,  possibly.  I just felt that the twin bond is so important-I researched twin relationships  and everything I could find backed up that they should be together.  Also by this time I had invested so so much emotionally into K that I couldn't imagine letting her go.  So Hubby and I talked and talked and talked and decided to put in a request to adopt K and permanently foster L.   L's needs were so high we would be committing financial suicide if we adopted her  and then were totally responsible for her.  CAS talked about giving us an adoption subsidy but the bottom line is once you legally adopt you are responsible for all finances just the same as you are if you give birth to them.  So we followed through with adopting K and prepared to take L as a foster child.  We moved to a bigger house that could be made wheelchair accessible.  We bought a van that could be adapted. We did everything that was asked of us and told we would need IF we were to take her.   In the meantime the foster home that L was living in by this time had grown attached to her and said they wanted to keep her-for now.  They were older than Hubby and I and openly said that they would keep her until she was around 10yrs-we could have her then.  This seemed ludicrous to me-but what was worse was CAS agreed to it.  We had some ups and downs with the other foster home-they treated us horribly at times because they were upset that we tried to "take their little girl"  I was so upset that these twins wouldn't be together and that the other home was keeping L without any kind of a long term commitment.  We continued to do relief once in a while.  I had concerns with L's lack of stimulation, don't get me wrong her basic needs were being met.  She wasn't being abused in anyway.  But on more than one occasion I was told if we had her that she was"easy"  You just have to"hook her up to her food"  I know she was left in a back bedroom most of the time-I worried about her lack of stimulation.  If you needed to go out you could just "give her her meds early and put her to bed" then the babysitter wouldn't have to worry about her.  These things always made me sad-but I knew if I reported it to CAS it would just look like sour grapes.  And most important to us was to keep things open with the other foster home so that we could keep seeing her-K could keep seeing her.  So over the years the girls have seen each other a lot, I often bought matching clothes for them and had their pictures taken together.  We tried to take L with us where ever we could.  We took her to hockey games, baseball games, museums, the beach.  I always liked to treat L like she understood everything going on-I really believed she understood everything and just wasn't able to communicate.  Usually if more than a month went by that we didn't have L, K would start asking for her and missing her.  Over the years K has shown signs of a developmental  delay-it's not real bad but something we need to keep dealing with.  K was falling behind every year in school.  She needed individual help but her delay was mild enough that  she didn't qualify for an aide.  We decided last year to make a drastic move and take her out of public school and homeschool her.  Hubby and I were really  nervous about this-this is our daughters education-we had to make sure we took this seriously.  And that we did.  In the 1 1/2 yrs she has been home she has made some great gains.  In the school system she was losing ground every year.  Now we are slowly seeing her progress.  It is great to see when we teach her something and go back over it a few weeks later that she still has it.  For "confidentiality" reasons I often wasn't able to get information about L  but I would get bits and pieces. I found out that CAS continued to look for an adoptive home for L.  No one ever talked to us about it-about what K's needs might be if L got an out of town adoptive home.  I also found out that when the girls turned 10yrs that the other foster home started looking at putting her into a group home.  We asked many times to have a meeting to find out what our roll would be in the group home,  would we have permission to pick her up and bring her home with us at times, how it worked, etc.  But the workers never would meet with us.  Every birthday K had a party and L was always here with us, but it was all K's friends.   For their 10th birthday I wanted L to have her own party, her own friends.  I got permission and I invited her class to our house for a pool party.  Only one friend came for L but how wonderful-L seemed so excited-I'm sure she understood.  I'm so glad I did that-it is a wonderful memory.  A few months later we had L here again for a 4 day weekend.  We had the best time.  She was the most alert I have every seen her.  T had a really close relationship with her.  The day she came the other foster mom said she screamed with delight when she heard she was coming here.  T carried her in the house and he teased her and she just kept screaming.  He would always tease her.  He teased her about being 10 and wearing diapers.  He teased her that she couldn't talk.  One day I was listening to T tease her and I was laughing and my nephew said "Why do you let him do that?"  I told him that T teases everyone.  He teases K do why not L  it makes her feel included.  It was something special they shared. He teased and with her limited motor control, she swung at him.   When she left after that weekend it was to go to the group home over night.  Hubby, myself, A,T,G and my nephew went to drop her off.  I was going to be OK with the group home I think. I know she would get a lot of stimulation.  I hated that at 10 yrs old she wouldn't have a mom to tuck her into bed and kiss her goodnight.  But I was going to be OK with it.  She looked sullen when we left her-Looking back I do think she enjoyed being with us and just didn't want to leave.  I woke up the next morning to a phone call from the other foster mom that she was going by ambulance to the hospital-but it didn't look good.  By the time I arrived at the hospital she was gone.  Our little angel who had been so alive just the night before.  She was gone.  It appears she vomited and aspirated it.  Its been less than 6 months and I still can't believe she is gone.  K is doing OK.  She didn't want to talk about it at first, but bit by bit questions have come out.  We are working through it.  The kids all have had a rough time-she was their sister-our daughter.    K is growing every day.  She's maturing, both with her education and her socialising.  She dances with the church and goes to youth group.  We try to get her involved in social activities when we can.  She has such a sweet personality, a romantic.   She loves movies and you tube.  I can't wait to see as she grows what a swan she develops into.